By Herb Goldberg
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Additional resources for What Men Really Want
The perception of her husband as intentionally hurtful insured that no constructive change could occur. In couples therapy, when she was able to listen to his interpretations of the events without negative judgments, his response at these family affairs changed dramatically. His positive emotions began to emerge, and his negative tendencies receded. The way a woman relates to a man can radically affect the degree of his insensitivity, his ability to care, and the way he responds to her assertions.
His inner reality has the power to make him feel euphoric when sex is exciting, or self-hating and depressed when he can't perform or sex is not available. Sex takes on undue importance as a measure of his self-esteem and as a way to make what he regards as close contact. His sense of being a man and being adequate is linked to his sexual capacities. The Making of a Man How Is It Likely to Affect 45 You? man's intense sexual interest may make a woman feel desirable, feminine, and powerful. Because his interest is defensive and dominant, however, it eventually seems to feel oppressive and offensive.
48 WHAT MEN REALLY WANT thize, if less stress exists in the relationship, it becomes easier for him to show loving emotion. The more traditional he is, the colder he seems, although the perceptive woman is aware of the love and attachment he actually feels. Defensive Goal Focus and the Repression of "Being" Masculine defensiveness makes him a compulsive doer who needs a goal, purpose, or meaning in order to be motivated and to engage with energy. Defensive goal focus limits his capacity to interact personally for just the pleasure or sake of it.