By Laurie Notaro
IT’S LAURIE NOTARO’S vacation instruction manual.
PREPARE TO chuckle YOUR TINSEL OFF.
It’s the main wonderful–and such a lot dreadful–season of the 12 months, while bins of brownies assault your thighs, drunken vacation revelers remain long gone their welcome, and your grandmother has conniptions on the division shop over the cost of hand lotion. Welcome to Laurie Notaro’s Christmastime.
In ten brand-new tales and 3 formerly released favorites, Notaro stocks the sidesplitting day-by-day mess ups of the vacations, like discovering herself on emergency female product recon at the hours of darkness on Christmas Eve; surrendering to the inevitable terrible present Parade by means of easily inquiring for vacation dish towels and vast white underpants from Sears; struggling with the morons in line on the 7th Circle of Hell, in a different way often called the home made craft shop; and attempting to stay down her popularity because the such a lot Unfun Christmas occasion visitor Ever, as a result of an unlucky false impression regarding a faux overdose and emergency paramedics.
So no matter if you end up on the boring and shrewdpermanent celebration or the Raucous and silly social gathering this vacation season, you’ll continuously comprehend the place to discover Laurie–just stick with the chocolate path over to the cheese platter. She’ll be the single dialing the police officers.
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Extra info for An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List
A marathon is a running event, after all, not a walking event. But in that one race, even walking was a problem. The thought crossed my mind a few times that maybe I should give up and hitch a ride on one of the event shuttle buses. My time was going to be awful anyway, I thought, so why not just throw in the towel? But dropping out was the last thing I wanted to do. I might be reduced to crawling, but I was going to make it to the ﬁnish line on my own steam. Other runners kept passing me, but I limped on, grimacing in pain.
Along with this, my diet started to gradually change as well. I began to eat mostly vegetables, with ﬁsh as my main source of protein. I never liked meat much anyway, and this aversion became even more pronounced. I cut back on rice and alcohol and began using all natural ingredients. Sweets weren’t a problem since I never much cared for them. As I said, if I don’t do anything I tend to put on the pounds. My wife’s the opposite, since she can eat as much as she likes (she doesn’t eat a lot of them, but can never turn down anything sweet), never exercise, and still not put on any weight.
I’m the kind of person who has to experience something physically, actually touch something, before I have a clear sense of it. No matter what it is, unless I see it with my own eyes I’m not convinced. I’m a physical, not intellectual, type of person. Of course I have a certain amount of intelligence—at least I think I do. If I totally lacked that there’d be no way I could write novels. But I’m not the type who operates through pure theory or logic, not the type whose energy source is intellectual speculation.